I Took A Stand

My father was a tyrant.  He was a bully.  He was mean and cruel, vicious and without remorse.  He belittled and ridiculed us, he beat and raped us.  He did not do his God given duty as a father.  He failed to uphold the primary directive for a parent.  He did not protect his children, he instead caused them harm.

He is old now, and the courts consider him too old and frail to stand trial, but his children are free.  We were able to give testimony, we were believed, and we were given back our sanity.  My whole life I thought I was not worthy, that I must have done something wrong, that I must have been fundementally flawed to cause this treatment, and must surely be overindulging myself in my despondence, after all, he always claimed he never did anything wrong.  If what he did wasn’t wrong, I must have been my own cause for feeling bad.  I felt guilty because I felt so broken, I blamed myself for my pain.  My blame might have destroyed me, or my drug or alcohol use,  or my other self destructive behaviours may have, I think I survived myself only by the Grace of God.  And now, I carry no blame.  He hasn’t been punished by the courts, but now he knows without a doubt that what he did to his children was wrong. 

When I was fourteen I went home from school and he stopped me in the kitchen.  He hugged me, pressing his groin against me, then he put his right hand on the side of my right boob and said to me, “this is how I used to cop a feel of your mother when we were going out.”  Something clicked in me then and I looked him in the eyes and said, “get your f-ing hand off me.”  His eyes widened in shock, his hands dropped, and he took a step back.  Before he could say a word I took a step forward into the space he had just vacated, got in real close, looked him right in the eyes again and very quietly but very firmly said to him, “if you ever touch me again, I will kill you.”  His face went blank with shock, he turned on his heals and walked away. 
He never tried to touch me after that.

You know the really crazy thing about it all? I loved him still. All I really wanted was his love.

About Reviewer Rose

Hi, my name is Rose, I'm no longer in the flush of youth, I have a common-law husband and two teenaged daughters, multiple pets, and more debt than I'm comfortable with! Anything sounding familiar? Well, its all too familiar to me and I plan on changing a few things around here. I'll keep the husband, kids and pets, but some things just need to change! I am embarking on a journey of discovery. Warning, this blog includes discovery of self, writing, learning and growing. There may be posts that you won't be comfortable reading, but I have supressed some things for so long, things I don't want to keep anymore, so will leave them here on these pages. I hope you will follow while I live, learn, heal, try, review and share, and I hope you can grow along with me in my pursuit of betterment!
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9 Responses to I Took A Stand

  1. Jennifer French (Phillips) says:

    Hello Rose
    I understand your pain, as someone who knew your sisters, do not let this destroy you.
    You are all strong.

  2. ems612 says:

    Thank you for sharing this, I’m glad I came across it. Your very brave. I myself had a similar childhood, and what I have hope in now is that I am free from him. Thank you again for sharing 🙂

    • I’m very happy I shared this too, I was a little worried since I typically share verbally and this is posted to my facebook also where my entire immediate and extended family could read it. The more I have spoken about this the more I have learned that I’m not alone, my family was not alone. The statistics are astounding and it’s not just sexual or physical abuse that is devestating, emotional and verbal abuse can be just as crippling. I feel like I need to share this truth, often. I’ve shared with people in the past who have broken down and cried because they experienced childhood abuse and never told a soul, thought they were alone and held it in and carried it around like chains around their neck.

      • ems612 says:

        Definitely not alone.. I’ve always kept to myself too, kept a private blog etc but since I started talking about it with others it’s amazing just how much support and love there is 🙂

        • Oh isn’t it! It wasn’t until I start opening up and thereby freeing myself to be open, that I began to see how many wonderful and amazing people this world is made up of. I think most of us are walking wounded and despite that I’ve met mostly good souls. Us humans are a great bunch of survivors aren’t we!

      • Anonymous says:

        Rose, you are beautiful and I truly honor you on all levels for your courage in sharing this part of your life journey with us. Honoring and loving yourself in this way brings deep inner healing and peace and you are truly a role model in showing others how to reclaim and stand in your power! Thank you for showing others the way through being vulnerable and so very brave! Wishing you love and happiness as you continue forward in your journey. XX

  3. Judy Morris says:

    You are brave and beautiful.

    • Anonymous says:

      You are brave and beautiful, he is an eval man I feel guilty that I couldn’t protect you as the older sister I was not so brave, He put us through hell and got away with it, he don’t deserve love or respect all we wanted was to be loved. I for one hate him. Only the love of my husband and children have got me through.

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